DEAR JOSIAH: I am dealing with a close friendship that is starting to fall apart. I met him in my first year at Brown. We used to hang out every day, and it was really fun! He always made the time to get lunch with me, even though we both have really busy schedules. He never forgot my birthday, and he always planned the most fun trips to Newport and Boston, which he always invited me on. Recently, though, I’ve been really busy. Just totally overwhelmed with work. Getting lunch with him just feels like time that could be better spent elsewhere, so I have to tell him no. A few days ago, he told me how he noticed that he was doing a lot of work to plan and invite me to things, but I never reciprocated and rejected him more often than not. He said this invitation imbalance just wasn’t working for him anymore, but he wants to figure out a solution that works for both of us, since he knows I have a lot going on. This whole situation is just adding to my stress. I know my constant rejection without any explanation beyond, “Sorry, busy!” is hurting him, but he’s just not hearing that I don’t have the time. I’m feeling super uncomfortable, but the thought of saying any of that makes me even more uncomfortable. I’ve stopped responding to his messages. I know this is technically ghosting, but since we’re not in a relationship, it’s not so bad, right?
Dear sweet Carberry reader:
Your friend is making you feel bad, which is bad. Ergo…he is a bad friend.
But let’s focus on you. Your feelings are important. That voice telling you to run away and cut him off? You should listen to it. Friendship should be about good feelings. Why would anyone get into a relationship that made them feel bad? Some foolish advice columnists say that lasting friendships have ebbs and flows, but I believe you’ve gotta go with the flow. Rather, go for the flow. If you notice a single ebb in that river, it’s time to dam it up and find a new river with more flow. If that new river starts to ebb? It was a bad river all along. Find a superior river.
Anyway, back to that friend of yours. He’s probably trying to make you feel bad on purpose. He dumped all his feelings on you, knowing that you already had a lot to deal with. What an ugly, polluted, turbulent river. Did you even want him to reach out to you all those times anyway? He chose to do all that work he’s complaining about. If he thinks he cares about you, that’s his fault. Sure, you might have enjoyed hanging out with him and going on the trips he planned, but keep this in mind: You don’t owe anyone anything! The ideal friendship should be good vibes only, and no obligations.
You might still be feeling some guilt about cutting off your friend. Another bad emotion that we want to get rid of. Trust me, the hardest part is already over. By this point, you should have already decided that he’s out of your life for good. Now all you have to do is block his number and make a conscious effort to avoid him in the real world. The less explanation you give the better. Bad people aren’t owed explanations; remember, you don’t owe anyone anything. You might still be wondering if the friendship would have survived if you wanted to fix it. Friendships are like iPhones: easier to replace than to repair. If it makes you feel any better, he probably started to forget you the moment you sent that last text.
In short, get your spooky on.
Editor’s Note: Unfortunately, Josiah has been hospitalized for acute xenomelia. His fourth cousin three times removed, Juliana Escuti, has ghostwritten in his stead for this issue of The Carberry. She sees the irony in this statement.