Tim “Child Feeder” Walz might appear to be a highly qualified public servant with a track record of working across the aisle to pass progressive policies that improve the lives of his constituents. But behind his veneer of midwestern charm, competence, and civility lurks a stone-cold far-left radical woke antifa socialist who will stop at nothing to feed your children.

Giving out food to the poors is straight out of Stalin’s playbook. Anyone who took a history class in Florida knows that Stalin came into power by providing ample food to his people. Now, Walz plans to do the same with our children by using elementary school cafeterias to spread communism. We can already see this despicable policy in action in Minnesota, where teachers have reported growing Bolshevik sentiment in their classrooms. James Schmidt, a first-grade teacher at Cedarville Elementary School in the town of Cedarville, MN, agreed to speak with The Harry Tedge Foundation on condition of anonymity. He described his classroom as a hotbed of Marxist-Leninist thought. “I was browsing Tinder when little Karl came up to me and said, ‘It is imperative that we awaken the dormant energies of the proletariat to tear down bourgeoisie oppression.’ He’d been indoctrinated by free lunch.”

It’s scientifically proven that adequate nutrition during a child’s formative years encourages brain development and critical thinking. This is an existential threat to American conservatism. But it doesn’t stop there. Walz wants to make your children eat evil socialist lettuce grown by Michelle Obama herself. It’s all a ploy to introduce communism into school cafeterias, and everybody knows it.

Some liberal extremists claim that The Harry Tedge Foundation doesn’t care about the welfare of children. Such slander is mostly untrue. We believe that child hunger can be solved in a fiscally responsible manner that puts capitalism first. That’s why we put together a three-part plan to combat child hunger without feeding children.

The Children Yearn For the Meats

Firstly, we support giving children the freedom to choose which meatpacking plant to earn their lunch money in. Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders of the great state of Arkansas has already shown that rolling back tyrannical child labor laws results in more children working in the meatpacking industry. How can those children be hungry if they’re surrounded by raw meat? We’d like to remind parents who are afraid of their children “losing limbs” or “dying” that occupational injuries stimulate the healthcare industry and help reconstructive surgeons put food on the table for their families. 

Guns, Not Butter

Secondly, we believe that protecting Second Amendment rights (see what we did there?) is a more American solution to solving child hunger. A free meal costs the American taxpayer over two dollars, and it’ll only feed a child for a day. A round of .223 costs twenty-five cents, and it’ll make sure that child is never hungry again. 

We Don’t Need No Education

Finally, by abolishing the woke indoctrination camps known as “public schools,” we can outsource the responsibility of handling child hunger to the private sector. The number of food-insecure children will likely remain the same, but it won’t be the government’s problem anymore. Also, we’d get to convert all the schools “Child Feeder” Tim once taught at into Hooters franchises—another way for girls to earn lunch money.

Conclusion

“Child Feeder” Tim is coming to feed your children. Patriots of this great nation must band together to defeat his radical agenda and protect our children’s stomachs from food.