Clarence Thomas’ Top 5 Travel Tips

As the nation continues to grapple with inflation, travel prices are inaccessible for a growing portion of the country. With the Supreme Court’s summer recess coming to an end, we asked Justice Clarence Thomas how he travels on a budget when the Court is not in session.

Book Well Ahead of Time

“Prices get worse as you get closer to your travel date. Everyone knows that. Book everything you need well in advance of your trip. Or, really, if you’re smart, pay someone to book for you. Travel agents are great for this. If you can’t get a travel agent, the next best options are to make your wife do it or get a rich friend to invite you out.”

Stay in Low-Budget Accommodations

“You don’t need to stay at the Ritz-Carlton to have a nice time. Settle for the Four Seasons (or the Willard if you’re in DC) and save a few bucks. If all you can find is a Marriott or a Holiday Inn, it’s not worth it. If that’s all you can find, just call up a local. My wife has connections from everywhere on Facebook; I find myself so proud of those boys’ patriotism when they let me, a stranger, crash for free.”

Fly Private

“Flight costs are, well, frankly absurd these days. The best way to cut costs on flights is simple: Deregulate. Everything. The executives will appreciate being able to cut safety costs. Sure, a door may fly off here or there, but the cut costs will trickle down—just like taxes. Those same executives, of course, will subsequently pay for your private flights, which makes life so much easier (and much cheaper.)

Choose Destinations With Low Cost of Living

“You cannot really find these domestically these days, maybe in the Deep South, but why would you go there? Avoid Democr—I mean, avoid big cities. Taxes are brutal, everything is expensive. Just don’t go. Hop on a donor’s—sorry—a friend’s luxury yacht and cruise around a third world country. The dollar goes a long way.”

Be Kind

“Kindness and people skills can get you a lot. When you do nice things for people, they’re nice in return. Protect folks from prosecution. Allow people to keep their guns regardless of record. Let people off minor offenses, like insurrection. What goes around comes around. Do all that and rich folks will do anything for you. Sometimes, I even coax the females into being extra nice! Whipping out Long Dong Silver does the trick every time. They love him. Just ask Anita!”

Clarence Thomas is an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States. In addition to his judicial escapades, he is an expert at taking vacations for less than they are worth.