Salutations, Computer Science students! I’m looking forward to another year of rigorous study in this noble field. Unfortunately, you may not be able to be a part of it this year because of our newly implemented course caps. You might be infuriated with your hardworking teaching assistants, dedicated professors, or even our hallowed budget, but I your ire is misdirected. Yes, dear Brown student, your true enemies are your would-be classmates. In fact, I have one right here. He took the very last spot in the class you were vying for.
Student: Waddup, b-snatches! My name and Github username is—
Josiah: This interview is meant to be anonymous. Please don’t include any identifying information.
Student: The boys at Buxton call me C-Dawg, short for “I’m gonna NC this class, dawg.” But as I was saying, my name and Github username is—
Josiah: Ok, sure. We’ll call you C-Dawg. So, C-Dawg, what CS courses are you taking this semester?
C-Dawg: Only the best CS intro class, with the most famous professor. I’m aiming to be a multimillionaire right outta college, so I think just mentioning his name in interviews will get me tons of juicy opportunities.
Josiah: That’s one thing I love about Brown’s computer science department! We have so many expert professors who have been in the computer science industry since its inception. They designed our intro curriculum to include a fount of educational projects, brimming with both difficulty and enjoyment. “Equal in intensity and fun,” as they say. Which project are you most excited for?
C-Dawg: “Enjoyment?” “Fun?” What, are you dating the computer or something?1 Dude, you’re tripping if you think I’m not ChatGPTing the whole thing.
Josiah: I’m not sure that will work. CS professors can be persnickety for syntax, and ChatGPT can’t always pick up on that sort of nuance. What would your plan be then?
C-Dawg: Bro, I’ve already got that figured out. It’s easy. I just get Chat to write out a general plan for me to follow, I bang out some code, then I camp at TA hours. I can usually get those nerds to fill in the gaps for me.
Josiah: Don’t they have regulations against that? That doesn’t seem like it should be allowed, per the collaboration policy.
C-Dawg: I just give them my best golden retriever eyes and pretend like I’m totally lost. I appeal to emotion. Unlike Chat, the TAs have a major flaw—they’re just humans. Usually it works, but if it doesn’t, I’ll just pull out my fat Venmo wallet, wire ‘em a tree-fiddy.
Josiah: That’s… that’s depraved. I mean… I’m not trying to pass judgment—that would violate my role as an impartial interviewer. C-Dawg, what I’m trying to say is: I see a major flaw in your approach.
C-Dawg: Dawg, huh? I’ll have so much bread by the end of this, no problem in the world will matter to me. What are you even saying?
Josiah: Well, dearest C-Dawg, think about it. If you outsource your learning to other intelligences, whether artificial or TA, what do you gain?
C-Dawg: A big, fat, easy A, duh.
Josiah: You might get the A, sure, but that’s on your transcript, not in your brain. Without whipping out your beloved ChatGPT, could you tell me what an interface is? Could you write me a method that reverses a given string? Could you tell me what classes can see a given class’s private instance variables?
C-Dawg: Well, nobody’s looking at your private instance variables, old man.2
Josiah: Ad hominem, dear C-Dawg. My point is—the job with the ginormous salary that you’re drooling over, it’s going to ask you any number of those questions at the interview. You won’t have a phone, or even an IDE in front of you. You’ll have to rely on your own understanding, which, as far as I can tell, is not stored locally. Are you prepared to fail?
C-Dawg: “Interview” is a word for tryhards. After these four years are up, I’ll have a piece of paper that says “CS-Econ” on it. And that means I’ve got a spot in my dad’s consulting company, easy. And I’m not letting it go, just like I’m not letting go of my spot in this class.
Josiah: I’ve seen enough. Interview concluded.
C-Dawg: Sick! Can I go? Buxton’s got a pack of Busch Lite that’s calling my name.
Josiah: Can you give me an override code into Buxton?
C-Dawg: Sure, broski! Hit me up later, my Snap is— //Snap code elided for anonymity
1. Josiah is in a fulfilling relationship with a Commodore 64.
2. The Commodore 64 is.