November 5th will forever be remembered as a dark day in American history. As the real leader of the Democratic Party, many of my fellow Democrats expect me to take ownership of our ignominious defeat. I would rather not do that since it really wasn’t my fault. Here are some not-me’s you should blame instead.

Let’s start with President Biden. It seems that Hunter isn’t the only member of the Biden family who couldn’t pull out in time. The man is older than a fossil. He wouldn’t live through a second term even if he won. Seriously, I can’t get over how old he is. He’s nearly my age, for Christ’s sake. If he pulled out of the race earlier, we would have had more time to lose the election. Whatever. I call dibs on his timeshare when he kicks the bucket.

Next, there’s Bernie. I’m not sure if he actually had any effect on the election—I just don’t like him. I would not want him in the House. I think that he attacked my spouse. He really ought to comb his hair. I hate his stance on healthcare. He says that the Democratic Party has “abandoned the working class.” What a fool. I have always cared about the working-class stockbrokers who help manage my portfolio. Does he?

But, you know who’s really to blame for all this? Minorities and young people. I wish hemorrhoids upon all the disloyal minorities and youths who withheld votes that were rightfully ours. By definition, your votes belong to us. You’re supposed to be in our back pocket while we chase after white moderates.

I don’t understand how Black Republicans even exist. We all know that a voter who supports Trump ain’t Black; being both Black and Republican is a contradiction in terms. If you support Trump, you ain’t Black (and vice versa). My theory is that exit polls erroneously counted very tan white people as African-American.

Latinxs, I thought we were friends. We’ve only ever shown your people kindness. We put fewer children in cages than the last guy, and we gave you a snazzy gender-neutral way to describe yourselves. After Kamala won, I was even planning to add you to BIPOC. Think! We could have had BILPOC—maybe even BLIPOC if turnout was high enough. All you had to do was give us the votes you rightfully owe us. Instead, you consign yourselves to DEI purgatory with the Asians and Jews. If you so much as think about voting for Trump again, I’ll demote you to white. You have been warned.

Lastly, there are the intransigent young’uns. I do concede that Harris dropped the ball here; she should have given out free “V-Bucks” to people in her “Fortnite” game. Perhaps a 1-million “V-Bucks” daily giveaway could have won her the “dub.” Nonetheless, the loss of the youth vote is, in my opinion, childhood coddling made manifest. Back in my day, it was acceptable for parents to ignore the interests of their children yet expect obedience in return. Now, we have spoiled princes who expect candidates to appeal to their interests. Whatever happened to unconditional love?

Needless to say, I am furious at all the non-me’s whose mistakes cost us the election, and I think some retribution is in order. Once Biden is out of office, I’m putting him in a nursing home run by Andrew Cuomo. I can already imagine Bernie pulling out his remaining strands of hair once the DNC nominates Hillary Clinton during the next election. As for those voting blocs who betrayed us, your punishment is far sweeter. I don’t need to lift a finger, for you have punished yourselves. African-Americans, Latinxs, young people—tua culpa! I hope you all learn from your mistakes and vote for Hillary in 2028.