Dear Josiah: I made a BIG mistake. Before I say anything, you have to understand that I didn’t mean it. I’m just a funny guy. I love to joke around. Some might even call me a jester, or mayhaps a joker. I’ll admit, sometimes I steal jokes from Reddit, but they make my friends laugh, so it’s fine. Dark humor—it’s like food, not everybody gets it! Wait, wait, I’m sorry. If you’re poor—I mean monetarily challenged—I truly didn’t mean to offend you! Please… please… spare my life… I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean it!
[EDITOR’S NOTE: 27 more driveling paragraphs in a similar style to this have been redacted.]
So, wait. I didn’t even say what I did yet. It’s bad. I… I made a despicable joke in a free food group chat. I won’t repeat its contents… Let’s just say I sarcastically quoted a certain controversial political candidate (who I do NOT support for the record) and everyone took me literally. They thought I was actually being a bigot, instead of making fun of bigots. Before I could explain myself, someone posted about how deplorable I was for the whole school to see! They said they’re gonna tell the school on me and get me kicked out, and I can’t even get a word in edgewise to explain the truth… Now everyone thinks I have the same pigheaded beliefs as the moron I quoted… Wait! I’m sorry to any pigs or morons reading this. That comparison might have been hurtful. Gah! I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry! I keep digging myself into a deeper hole! What do I do, Josiah?
– Big Idiot, not a Bigot
Dear Big Idiot,
Or Mr. Idiot, or perhaps Mrs. or Dr. Idiot, whatever you’d prefer! I won’t assume, because as you can see, I’m a paragon of righteousness. I’d never make such a thoughtlessly insensitive mistake. Don’t you know words have power? That’s why, before any untoward syllable tumbles out of my mouth, I like to use the helpful acronym THINK—is it True, Helpful, Intelligent, Not-stupid, and Kind? So next time you speak, THINK! That is, if you get another chance. Unfortunately, in the computer game of modern online conversation, you only get one life. And you’ve just been one-shotted, dearest reader. Forever decreed by the holy committee of anonymous online comments, for the crime of making a poorly communicated joke, you are now, here and forevermore, a horrible person. Get that through your skull. YOU. ARE. A. BAD. PERSON. If they gang up on you, and they will, comfort yourself with the knowledge that you deserve it. Kiss your halo and angel wings goodbye.
Now what do you do? Well, first of all, stop kissing the halo, you weirdo. Anyway, you’ve started digging this hole, so keep digging. Turn your back on the heavenly light of redemption. Dredge the depths of the fifth circle of hell, also known as the swamps of 4chan, and start spewing some sludge on the angels above. Let’s see you get serious. I want to see some real hatred. If your posts don’t have at least five obscenities, slurs, or vulgarities per line, go back and delete them. Launch death threats to your former friends like intercontinental ballistic missiles. Groom a minor. Groom ten minors. Become a famous YouTuber, go on tour, oversell tickets, cancel the day of, and don’t offer refunds. I never want to hear the word “sorry” come out of your mouth again. They already see you as a monster, so you’d sooner be the most diabolical one alive than change their minds. Forgiveness is for chumps, and I hear crimson, pitchforks, and bat wings are all the rage.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Unfortunately, Josiah has been arrested for dining and dashing at Al Forno’s. According to police reports, he “just wanted some free food.” His fourth cousin three times removed, Juliana Escuti, has ghostwritten in his stead for this issue of The Carberry.