An Exclusive Interview by Greg Nutfeld
Transcribed by Jonathon Fowkes
Read the full transcript of Greg Nutfeld’s heart-to-heart with notorious rapper and entrepreneur Sean Combs, street name P. Diddy, below.
Greg Nutfeld: So, Sean Combs. You’re behind bars awaiting trial, your lube has been seized, and your reputation besmirched. What do you want the world to hear?
P. Diddy: Aye, man, I’ll say it here, and I’ll say it loudly.
GN: So you’re denying the allegations?
PD: No, everything I did. I P-fucking-Diddied it for us!
GN: For who?
PD: For the community! Just think about it logically. Black men are not afforded the same opportunities to incriminate themselves at elite high-society sex parties, a systemic requirement to gain positions of power and prestige in this country. It’s fucked up, and I had to do something about it. I’m sorry.
GN: Wow, this is a lot to unpack. So you’re saying. To rise in the Democratic party …
PD: No, no, no, this is not political! Democrats, Republicans, CEOs, studio executives, they’re all required to … let’s just say … Big “Poppa” some lil—whatevers. I had to come clean.
GN: I see … It’s very brave of you to tell us this. At Fox News, our mission is exposing the Pedophilic Satanic Elites perverting our Christian nation. Tell America more, Mr. Diddy.
PD: I’m fucked, fucked in the head. I have these recurring nightmares about the enormous vats of baby oil installed between the walls of my multimillion-dollar Hollywood mansion. They’re like, uh, lube water towers. They filter into a vast network of freak-off dungeons beneath the manicured lawns, palms, and futons of Beverly Hills. In my dreams, they burst open …
GN: What.
PD: … and suddenly that baby oil comes rushing out. First, it drowns the nepo-baby-pop-stars barred in my basement for the weekly rave and deprave. Then it comes for me in crashing viscous waves. And at last, it floods the world … [Long pause.]
GN: [Visibly upset] So, uh, like that one movie … uh … 2012—didn’t Donald Glover star in it?
PD: It was Danny Glover, and yes.
GN: I want to ask you one final question.
PD: Go ahead, I’ve said my truth. I’ve got nothing to hide.
GN: So, these underground tunnels you speak of. Beneath Beverly Hills, what type of folk frequent these tunnels?
PD: Producers, criminals, artists, politicians, all sorts of people …
GN: On average, what was their skin color?
PD: Man, stop with this race stuff—all sorts of people, like I said. I guess light brown if you’re talking on average.
GN: Dedicated listeners, you’ve heard it here first! There are Hamas terrorists beneath the Beverly Hills ‘burbs! You thought you were safe! Our Demon-crat border policies have let our enemies abroad invade our homes!
PD: What! I didn’t—
GN: There are “producers” making bombs! “Criminals” flooding our streets! Communists! And the terrorist leadership of Hamas exploiting our children! They eat cats! Maybe even dogs! We’ll talk more about our certainly true and unfalsifiable investigation into this story on tomorrow’s episode of Nutfeld! If you’re a true red, white, and blue American patriot, tune in!