I know how challenging life can be as a student at Brown. From presidential elections to global conflicts to campus politics, you are expected to have informed opinions on just about everything. But in my experience, keeping up with every issue, and which opinions on such issues are considered acceptable, simply takes too much effort! I’m a busy person, and so are you. As the president of Brown University, I believe the greatest academic skill—nay, life skill—I can bequeath to my students is how to pretend to be informed, intelligent, and virtuous, when the only thing on your mind is your next vodka cranberry. In other words, bullshitting. From the first year student who finds themself in a discussion section having failed to do the reading, to the department chair defending their gross mismanagement, to my own office holding the whole thing together, bullshit is the sticky Brown glue of the Ivy League. In this article, I will train you in our noble tradition, using time-tested strategies from my many years of bullshitting.
Position yourself above the debate
People disagree. Whatever you do, don’t take hard-and-fast sides. You will inevitably alienate people and be forced to defend your arguments using evidence and reasoning, which takes far greater effort than you and I can be expected to exert. Instead of taking a stance, critique all stances, even the very legitimacy of taking a stance. Both sides bad! Positioning yourself above the debate will always make you seem like the smartest person in the room. Frame your agenda as “strategic” and “diplomatic,” theirs as “political” and “controversial.”
Promise everything and nothing
Make people feel listened to, but don’t allow your mind to be changed. Form steering committees, launch investigations, schedule votes—anything to create the appearance of action without actually acting. Speak about the importance of whatever virtue or issue is at hand, but always stop short of formally committing to any meaningful sacrifice or change.
Exaggerate complexity
One of the easiest ways to hide your ignorance on a topic is by convincing the listener that everyone is as ignorant as you. You can do this by exaggerating the complexity of the issue at hand. I may not be willing to solve this issue, but then again, it’s so complex and intractable that nobody can ever solve it! You practically need a PhD to begin to understand it. Moreover, members of our community have a lot of different emotions on this issue which all deserve to be respected. See how well it works? Denying human rationality never fails to make you sound smart.
Hide from public visibility
The digital age has granted many gifts to bullshitters, but the greatest among them is email. Gone are the days when leaders had to address the public in face-to-face oration, when they could be stopped and questioned by constituents while walking down the street, when they had to look people in the eye while announcing unpopular decisions. Can you imagine how horrible it must have been to be forced to live in community with the university you run? Retreating from public accountability has become far easier with the advent of email. Bullshit always works better in written form for the same reason that lie detectors work: audiences can sniff your bullshit out the second they see your eyes. For me, pretending to care about you students in face-to-face interaction is so difficult that I have made the decision to cease public appearances and make all announcements through carefully worded emails approved by my legal team, sent from the comfort of my SUV. You are also developing this skill nicely, given how many of you never show up to class and write bullshit-filled Canvas discussion posts.
Master emotional manipulation
Like the emperor’s new clothes, the most effective forms of bullshit are those which the listener is afraid to call out. In today’s age, speaking the language of emotional sensitivity and political correctness will make you seem thoughtful and humble, and anyone who calls bullshit on you insensitive and arrogant. I will provide an example useful to you students: let’s say you find yourself in your English class having failed to read the assigned chapters of Toni Morrison’s Beloved, when the professor asks you for your thoughts on how Morrison uses symbolism to portray the lasting impacts of slavery. It’s an impossible task: sounding informed, intelligent, and sensitive despite having no idea what you’re talking about. A surefire strategy is to say something fuzzy, yet deeply emotionally manipulative like: “I was really blown away by Morrison’s authenticity. Honestly, as someone who’s never been through any genuine suffering, I’m not sure I even have the positionality to comment on that. I’m really just here to educate myself.” This bullshit will not only make you appear virtuous, it will shield you from the hard work of actually having to educate yourself. Furthermore, every other student in the class who also failed to do the reading will no doubt privately thank you afterward for your intelligent comment, since, when called on, they can simply echo your response. One of the beauties of bullshit is how spreadable it is! Inside and outside of work, emotional manipulation has worked every time for me.
Talk more, say less
Some people think you should speak to communicate. Those people are wrong. On the contrary, you should speak to miscommunicate: obscure uncomfortable truths, pad weak reasoning, and inhibit clarity. When forced to answer for your incompetence, simply spewing a smokescreen of buzzwords is a functional last resort. The trick is to say something that sounds like an answer, but isn’t. Ask useless questions and avoid useful answers. Don’t inform, distract. Sprinkle the latest buzzwords into your speech like breadcrumbs in a trail that leads nowhere. If you want to learn how to do this, read any of my latest emails.
Learn from my example, students. If you apply these principles to your everyday speech, you will soon watch your bullshit harden into a thick, brown, rhetorical wall behind which to hide your incompetence. Becoming fluent in bullshit will prepare you well for your future careers in the corporate world, finance, politics, and academia. You must practice bullshitting in college classroom discussions today, so that tomorrow you can be paid to belch a sophisticated smokescreen of trendy virtues, inoffensive aesthetics, and lawyer-approved communiques. As a student, bullshit is useful for covering your ass, but as a corporate drone, it is useful for covering your employer’s reckless accumulation of power over the American consumer. As you climb the ladder of elite society, wielding ever-greater power and wealth, what will be your greatest tool for escaping the chains of public accountability? Bullshit, I tell you, it will be bullshit!